How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
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[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.