Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
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*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
no
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”