“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses