HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
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How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.