We found love in a hopeless place.
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available