accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
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A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now