Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
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What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?