**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
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A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
This is why I hate group projects
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I wish this was real life…
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.