My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
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The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.