If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
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Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Wait a minute…
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
🤣🤣🤣
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.