“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
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584.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”