It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
You Might Also Like
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]