If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
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The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Its a hippotatomus
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.