I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
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Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.