“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …