Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
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WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Education is vital
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know