There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.