I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
no such thing as a dumb question
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.