[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
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“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
*pokes sex life with a stick
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
pep talk
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid