When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I feel this so hard
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
never deleting this app.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.