You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Happy Taco Tuesday
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.