*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
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“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.