noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
when u come home smelling like another dog
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.