Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
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If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise