robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
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Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
The biggest mystery of our time
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.