Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
You Might Also Like
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Baking is just science you can eat.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.