ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
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Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys