Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.