cat faces on other animals, a thread
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life