me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
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Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
October already? What’s next? November????
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”