*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
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Wake me when AI does housework
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Google assistant rules
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments