My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
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[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.