My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
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I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
happy mother’s day❤️
I think we should hear other voices.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]