I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
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ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many