I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
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The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.