My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
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He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
i now pronounce you bounced.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I want to meet the individual who made this
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.