People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Never be a pizza!
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”