If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
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Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Ape together strong
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies