me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Breaking news:
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.