My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ