me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
checking out some reviews of my local library
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem