Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
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Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Lmao
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.