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I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.