Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
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there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Erm…
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig: