saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
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My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me