#merica
You Might Also Like
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste