“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
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Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol