[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
NASA has no chill
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.