Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
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[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless