My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.